A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I was out shooting in a magical foggy forest. Now that forest is covered in snow.

One of my favorite pieces was created there. Maybe it’s the strong association I had with the feeling of that moment, or maybe it’s that I was experimenting and playing, creating just for me.

But in that moment, I felt such overwhelming peace and gratitude. It was one of those surreal experiences I hope always to remember; it truly did feel like stepping into another world.

Last night I went back and read some of my old writings. I liked the way I wrote better a couple years ago than I do now. The voice was better, I had a more consistent theme, it felt more real, and my writing quality was better too.

As I sat there reading, I wondered why such a huge difference. Then I looked at the dates and realized why. It was a time before stepping into the fog; a different kind of fog that made it harder to explore with curiosity.

I’ve blocked more people on Instagram in the past couple days than I ever have before. All of them were bots or spammers. I’m not sure which. Some of them have thousands of followers. I’m not sure how. Maybe there really are real people behind these screens.

But then it made me wonder: Do I come off as fake too? Am I real enough? Do I share enough and am I authentic in what I do?

And I’m not sure.

Then I think again of the places in between. The messy middle. This is where we’re formed. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand the regression and loss. But I do know that God is faithful, and I know that He is good. And I know He still has a plan, even when I can’t see the ending yet.

“To hope is to give yourself to the future, and that commitment to the future makes the present inhabitable.” - Rebecca Solnit

I need hope. We all need hope. But so often we find ourselves still waiting. And maybe the wait is okay.

“Worry is a way to pretend that you have knowledge or control over what you don’t – and it surprises me, even in myself, how much we prefer ugly scenarios to the pure unknown.” - Rebecca Solnit

I’m realizing this relates to me too. My fear makes me more content to stay in this ugly in between than it does to press forward into the unknown and the decisions that would follow.

Worry and fear keep us trapped where we are, with a fear of the unknown.

The process of untangling that fear is messy, and it won’t always look the way we hope it would or think it should.

Hope gives us a reason to continue, knowing this is not the end, this not the final destination.

This is the in between.

This is where we find out who we are.

A lot can change in a year. We don’t know what the future holds, but we can trust the One who holds our future.

We go through the process one day at a time as we learn to step into those other worlds.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.” - Ecclesiastes 3:11